Various Artists: Pebbles Vols. 1-4

[To be read in a C&A Paisley shirt and matching tie, black lace-up school shoes and a pair of 16" cuff flared trousers re-cut from your mum’s discarded front-room curtains. Those concerned with the perfect effect should also hook themselves up to a container of carbon monoxide, suck HARD and imagine every other word is in italics, every sentence ends in two exclamation marks and three question marks and the page is awash with three different coloured inks — blue, cerise and shocking pink maybe.]