Poor Shore: All Saints: Renaissance@Privilege, Ibiza

YOU'RE SUFFICIENTLY IMPORTANT that a huge illuminated cross adorns the stage this evening. You're on after the not-strictly-eye-grabbing Pete Tong; posters have been advertising your big moment across town for weeks; talk is of all the stars who've joined you on this jaunt (eventual famous head count zero) and now, as the moment approaches, thousands of holiday-happy clubbers are perfectly content for the bpms to plummet if it means they'll catch sight of some bona fide tabloid celebrities in action.